Alisa St. Rock has contacted UJ once again to offer us a fantastic “PR opportunity.” In honor of this great blessing I’m sharing my latest response to a yearly phenomenon. Keep it coming wifiprgroup, you’re doing the work of 1000 Nigerian princes…
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Original E-mail from Alisa
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Hey there!
One of our music interns turned me on to your EPK and forwarded it to me to check out. I’m not sure if anyone on our end may have contacted you yet about our tour routing and booking services but I had a few questions about who is and how you are currently handling your booking.
We are finalizing our artists for the summer and fall touring season in which we help to identify, book and route shows and festival appearances for gigging artists. Our booking services are a flat fee service and not based on a percentage of the artists earnings.
For $295.00, we target and contact and pitch 10 markets or up to 500 venues for our tour and booking clients.
Basically our approach is simple–we work together with the artist, in a Do-It-Together, non-exclusive approach, to book our artists at festivals and venues throughout the U.S.
<redacted for brevity>
FYI––once again–the cost for the DIT (Do It Together) Tour Campaign is a flat fee of $295.00. All of our work is results-driven with a money-back guarantee to deliver results until completion.
We only take on 20 artists at a time, so if you are interested in discussing being a part of this, we should set up a time to speak this week.
Let me know if you are free to this week to discuss routing your next tour or helping you to secure shows that make sense for your music. Let me know the best number and day/time frame to reach you at.
Wishing You Success And Nothing Less in 2015!
Best,
Alisa St.Rock
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UJ’s Response
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Hey there Alisa! Do people tell you that you’re a saint for always rocking so damn hard?
I’ll bet they do, because what you’re bringing to the table for us is nothing short of a goddamned blood diamond mine of endless opportunity. When UJ first received this e-mail template a year ago we we’re a different creature. Not yet adult enough to accept seats on the rocket ship of success that the Wifiprgroup offers to only 20 bands a year! Oh, the regrets of wasted youth, but those days are behind us Alisa.
Now Alisa, now it’s our moment. Together we are entering a golden era of reconciliation… UJ, like Christ (or Xenu, if you’re into that), is reborn. Like a Phoenix from the ashes we have risen in a new four person configuration. Gone are the days of freebasing heroin in a bowling alley parking lot with the bass players mother after a sold-out show for a biker league. All of our paternity suits have been settled and UJ is ready to spend a little bit of our hard earned drug money to “Do It Together.”
Only one question remains…If we pay you double the amount you charge for your promotional services could we instead have your firm just grant us our one dream?
For years UJ has been waiting to shove it’s proverbial tongue into the vagina of any entertainment madam that can guarantee us the pinnacle of success that is a performance slot on Late Night with Seth Meyers. If together we can realize this dream through “hard work” then we as a band can forever bask in the glory of knowing that we are the greatest band Seattle has ever been fortunate enough to birth.
Sweet are the pangs of waiting
Heavy the clouds of time
Laws confound the beauty
of natures design
Found in the deepest of oceans
Born on the waves of devotion
Harmony seeks the third
Of angelic eyes
All day we wonder
All night we wait
We’ll bring the thunder
You bring the rain
Try adulation in numbers
Three times the gestalt
Honesty sows salvation
Jealousy plants its doubts
The dismissal comes easy
From a throne of thorns
Salvation through judgment
and the worship of norms
Don’t play me as a pimp
Who’s blind to the game
A shelled out player
Who only seeks fame
From the hearts of the many
And the wits of few
Baby don’t cross that line unless you wanna be true
All day we wonder
All night we wait
You bring the thunder
We’ll bring the rain
Sentiment favors the absence of presence
Willingness to forgo this moment for one thought deems superior
The act denies the soil of sun
Flowers remain buried waiting for the better light of yesterday
My father taught me to drive
My mother fed me with vocabulary
My grandparents taught me to fish
My uncle gave me keys to tolerance
Yet to dwell on these moments fondly is to leave the planet
To serve the dying star of my thought
Who’s only reward is to cage me in the conflict of fission
To cut me with a blade made of longing beneath my head held high upon lofty and empty intentions
My father taught me to judge
My mother fed me with complaints
My grandparents taught me to fight
My uncles showed me the path to excess
These checkpoints in memory we hold like ever vigilant soldiers
Trained to kill compassion on sight
Consider the meek a matter of weakness
Only the ones willing to drown in the black oil of nationalist rhetoric are worthy of being alive
We who love competition
We who love the game
We who run to or from deaths door
We, one nation, on whom the sun has set…
Is it impossible to reach? A sacred space, void of time Is it impossible to gain? The fame that traps the willing mind
Is it impossible to imagine? Failures stench becoming sweet Is it impossible to fathom? We are most creative just before we shit
Is the desire to hate fame unwillingness to accept rejection? Will the rehtoric and duplicity keep you warm? Or will you finally listen to the wisdom of reckless abandon?
But I can’t! I won’t! I shouldn’t have to!
Force the hand of fate To ensure a moment of acclaim Or sing of love, death, and tears instead of succumbing to these wargames
Here at Urban Jellyfish we sometimes get requests to hire a PR firm. Though this firm was offering a compelling deal, UJ decided that we couldn’t use their services. We hope that our response as a band will serve as a future template for interactions between music industry professionals and artists. It’s easy to become disenchanted with the process but we must remember that art is a business and that courtesy has always been paramount to success in the entertainment industry.
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From: Alisa St.Rock [mailto:st.rock@wifiprgroup.com]
Sent: Saturday, October 12, 2013 3:15 PM
To: Bradford King
Subject: Indie Anthems/MTV PR Inquiry
Hey there,
I am trying to reach Bradford King. Not sure if this is a general band email but I had a chance to check out your Urban Jellyfish EPK: http://www.sonicbids.com/2/EPK/?artist_id=415353
One of our music interns turned me on to your profile and forwarded it to me to check out. Dig the tunes. Had a few questions that I was hoping to speak to you about.
First off all, I’m not sure if you currently have PR representation but I wanted to set up a conference call to discuss a PR Campaign we are offering new unsigned/indy clients that includes a press release campaign, a spot on our Indie Anthems Digital MIxTape Series and an artist profile that we will secure for you on MTV.com.
The main reason I reached out to you is that we are specifically looking for at least 3-5 really unique and independent Rock artists, such as yourself to feature on our Indie Anthems Mixtape Series.
The PR Campaign itself is a flat fee of 249.00. Here’s an overview of it:
A professionally written, approximately 750 word customized press release about your current music related news and artist happenings
Automatic submission of your press release to over 7500 syndicated newswires and music journalists
25 guaranteed online media placements of your press release with links provided
A money back guarantee that your press release will be error free, published and with 25 verifiable guaranteed placements
A spot on our Indie Anthems Digital Sampler. It will be distributed once again at this year’s SXSW in Austin in March 2014. You will also receive 10 copies that you can use to distribute to your fans at shows or through your own promotions
In addition to the PR opportunity, this also affords you to have an artist profile created on MTV.com. This will include your own artist url on MTV.com. Through your MTV.com artist profile you can sell your music, get your videos on air, submit your songs to be used in a show through the Viacom network which includes VH1, MTV, MTV2 and CMT. There is no charge for this at this is a professional courtesy that will help us to increase your branding and online PR presence.
Also, so you know–the CD Sampler is not for sale. It is handed out FREE to all attendees. We will be handing out over 3500 download cards at SXSW in Austin, TX this upcoming March. We released our first Volume of Indie Anthems last year during SXSW and had a huge response to it. We are expecting an even bigger buzz about this year since we have been consistently putting out different Volumes of it throughout the year. With that said, there are no royalties paid out for this, it’s a promotional opportunity for your music to reach a highly targeted audience. We give it away until it reached a certain amount of downloads (usually around 5000).
The press release Campaign about Urban Jellyfish would be launched prior to us releasing Indie Anthems Vol.4 so that we can create back to back coverage about all of the Artists on it before we launch our our own PR Campaign about Indie Anthems Vol.4 in March. Make sense?
I don’t know if you ever have worked with a PR company before but if so, you know that it can cost upwards of several thousand dollars to have active media representation. Even just having a press release professionally written can be upwards of several hundred dollars alone, not even including the cost of distributing it. However, we are the most affordable professional PR company in the business for independent artists. All of our work is results-driven and guaranteed or your money back.
Here are a couple of video testimonials our music clients have recently given us:
Our PR Campaign for our new clients, with everything that is listed above is $249.00–including the placement on the Indie Anthems Digital Mixtape Vol.4 and your Official Artist Profile on MTV.
I would love to discuss what your specific PR needs are and the details of this campaign, along with what song we would like to include on Indie Anthems. I can set up a time to call you to discuss it. Let me know if you have availability this week or early next week and the best number and time frame to reach you at. Wishing You Success And Nothing Less in 2013 and beyond!
Best,
Alisa St.Rock
WiFi PR Group
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From: Brad King Sent: Monday, October 14, 2013 12:42 PM To: ‘Bradford King’ Subject: hahaha
Hey Alisa, thanks for reaching out and taking an interest in Urban Jellyfish.
We understand that you probably work really hard for very little return and we can easily empathize with that situation. Unfortunately, we are not interested in a PR campaign with your company. There are some very specific reasons for this rejection, so I hope you can take a moment to read them:
UJ has yet to work with a PR firm or agency that has found a way to positively spin our lead singer’s tendency towards tourette-like masturbation sessions while mid-set. It’s been off-putting to the audiences. The most novel idea yet was one offered by our former manager, Gus Finklestein, but using a spray bottle and a firm “No” no longer seems to work. Maybe your agency can offer a solution?
We’ve recently discovered that, with the changing industry, it is no longer considered acceptable to destroy a room in a drunken rage while hopped up on Ambien and speed. This has been disheartening to our drummer who enjoys this portion of the “rock lifestyle” (his words) and insists that it doesn’t need to change just because we’re couch surfing with my college roommate and his wife and kids.
The city of San Francisco has made it clear that UJ will be arrested immediately if found playing there. We think this may have something to do with our riot-inducing performance of the Trey & Matt hit single “Everyone Has AIDS” in the Castro district on pride week. We may never get all of the bloodstains out of my Freddie Mercury unitard.
Our bass player insists that his multiple requests for child support from women up and down the west coast are all unfounded. His religion insists that every sperm is sacred, so we remain reticent to tour until the DNA tests for all 50 strippers are confirmed negative. We’re just assuming that the 51st claim entered by a post-op tranny is bogus.
Again, I’m saddened by the situations that are keeping us from forming what would likely be a very serious business venture. Perhaps through our recent foray into therapy, UJ will be able to rest it’s demons and we can return to focusing on promotion. I’m happy to contact you again when this day arrives, so we can use our skills to establish a solid bottom line with core competencies that move us towards a business future that exists “outside the box.” America.
I wish you and your colleges at the WiFiPRGroup great success in promoting bands and finding your way through the apocalyptic landscape of the new music industry.
Yours in solidarity (our bass player insists I type in Christ),
First I should apologize
I should double check with those of you that could disagree
Can I have your branded permission for this moment in time
Will you grant my words passage as this angry boy speaks?
There’s a subtlety to failure that just can’t be beat
The sweet taste of victory is not the achievement that you truly seek
There are those who carry a fire that can never be doused
Sitting on a throne of matches in an origami house
In this origami house
Sitting alone among the flames yet to be felt
When faced with the darkness it feels like time stands still
We fear forgotten times before a worlds distractions controlled our waking will
So it is fear that will drive the violent strike to usher in the light
And as we are engulfed in flames we will pray for the return of night
There’s a subtlety to failure that just can’t be beat
The sweet taste of victory is not the achievement that you truly seek
There are those who carry a fire that can never be doused
Sitting on a throne of matches in an origami house
In this origami house
Sitting alone among the charcoal remains of an origami house
To the course of time I’d just like to say thank you To let you know it’s been a pleasure to serve at your helm To learn your in’s and out’s to learn your most intimate vibrations To learn that you are the tool that has allowed for the creation of this structure under which we stand, blameless, holy, and full of righteous indignation.
You were present and ticking slowly when he died You were present when I left her at the airport and pulled over to cry You held his hand as he died in a bed besides a garden You are there caressing the beauty of my mothers face
You were there when my feet first touched the silt of a lake long dead but made alive again. You passed through us in waves of love as we cheered in two thousand and ten. You shook my ears with harmony when I was first given the gift of her voice You watched the sunrise on the three of us as we fell in head over heel
You gave us the visions that displayed the true magnificence of mother nature’s design You sent us in waves through desert nights and fields of endless light You kept us in check as we shared our deepest fears and intimate experience You have forced us to face the reality we’ve come to know
The reality that we must part I’ve seen the cracks in the hands that indicate what precious seconds you’ve seen fit to grant us I’ve seen the space between your lines where our immortality breeds I’ve watched humanity use you one too many times to kill and it’s hard to sleep
There is freedom from the known behind your digital glare As you flash at us repeatedly on a nightstand mocking the anticipated arrival of salvation As you plod along in the lower right hand corner of a lifeless machine As you lustfully dream of claiming another by burning their soul with an empty promise
It’s unclear what we will do without you once you’re gone How will we know when to enslave our minds to your will? What if we miss an important moment that someone else prioritized for us? What if we need to know of a past and future in which we do not truly exist?
Nevermind… Time, it’s time to leave you behind Time, it’s our time to part Time, it’s my time to die
The monetary prophet is alive.
His steadfast stance challenges the face of adequate moral resistance.
His likeness casts a shadow over the light of unfettered perception.
Hiding the snakes approach.
Coiled in anticipation, graced with venom-laced fangs.
A scaly pinnacle of capitalist achievement.
All serpents have flaws.
But this breed uses its weaknesses to inject victims with the toxifying effects of financial freedom.
Green blades wielded by long dead presidents.
Brandished by rich white men afraid to draw their own black blood to save the human condition.
A fool is soon parted with his money, a saint divorced from its shrill and nagging behavior.
To attempt a life of the latter, deem it unsightly
Fear and uncertainty when considering the life of a simple carpenter.
A choice to keep the company of derelicts to that of kings.
The prospect of which grips tightly at the white collared throat.
Better that a baton crack against the pavement of a hardened head.
These descriptions cascade from the mouth.
Uttered by one already toiling under the weight of blood replaced with venom.
Resting comfortably while his descriptions relegate themselves to the realm of alliteration.
Meanwhile reality continues to slither the surly bonds of humanity, feasting on lost connectivity.
These are the words of madness,
Idle hands throwing snowflakes at the surface of the sun…
Bradford A King 